I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
