he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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