Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
