I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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