Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
