im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
