You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
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