I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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