So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
i now understand why vodka
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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