he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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