I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
