Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
They left me at home... I'm a liability
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
