I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Randomize
