would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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