My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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