Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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