I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
