he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Boobs speak an international language.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
