theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
