Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
