I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
