dude i'm inner monologue high
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
