how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
