Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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