Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
