Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
