omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
