4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
