You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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