I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
