Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
