I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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