May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
