i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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