i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You were trust falling into bushes
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
