How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
