the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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