Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
