I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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