mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
