Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
