My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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