Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
