need another drink. this is the easiest way
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
