it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
