So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Randomize
