I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
