i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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