Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize