All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Randomize
