I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
