hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
