I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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