I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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