I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Randomize
